Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Abul Abed and Other Jokes Make Post-War Healing Process Easy

Abul Abed and Other Jokes Make Post-War Healing Process Easy
Lebanese may have lost homes, loved ones and livelihoods, but one thing they haven't lost in the aftermath of the war is their legendary sense of humor.
Jokes helped them survive Israel's devastating military onslaught and are now making the post-war healing process a lot easier.

Anecdotes are to be found everywhere -- in living rooms, text messages, television shows, e-mails and even blogs, where some Israeli users have been less than amused.

Amid sad stories about lost loved ones, destroyed homes and impoverished people who had to live in public schools, they joke about everything: the Israelis, the Americans, the Arabs, but mostly they tell self-deprecating gags.

Three Hizbullah fighters run out of Beirut's southern suburbs after Israeli raids, flashing the victory sign. Actually, no. They were really pointing out that there were only two buildings left standing.

Why did rents go up in Ain el-Rummaneh district overlooking the southern suburbs? Because it has sea view now!

Why are coquettish elderly Lebanese women very happy about the war? Because it took them back 30 years.

Why will Hizbullah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah win the Nobel Prize for Education? Because he is the only man who sent one million people to school in just two days.

But they also tell jokes of bravery against the Israelis.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was sitting in his office wondering how to invade Lebanon when his telephone rang.

Beirut's most famous imaginary character announces to him in a heavily accented voice: "This is Abul Abed and I am calling to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you."
"How big is your army?" replies Olmert.

"Right now," said Abul Abed, "there is myself, my cousin Mustafa, my next-door neighbor Abu Khaled, and the whole team from the tea house. That makes eight!"

Olmert paused. "I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

Abul Abed paused, then said: "Mr. Olmert, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Abul Abed?", Olmert asked.
"Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180s, and a truck."

"I must tell you Abul Abed that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two million!"

"Mr. Olmert, we have to call off this war," said Abul Abed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Olmert. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Abul Abed, "we've come to realize that there is no way we can feed two million prisoners!"

Israel's systematic destruction of bridges in the offensive launched after Hizbullah captured two Israeli soldiers on July 12 has also been a source of inspiration.

Olmert sent a commando operation deep into Lebanon. Mission: Capture Lebanese diva Fairuz.

He insists on finding the only bridge he did not destroy: an imaginary bridge evoked for decades in a romantic Fairuz aria.

"On the bridge 'Lawziyeh,' under the shade of the leaves," goes the song.
Early one day, a man rushes desperately to the dentist. "Please take out my bridge, or the Israelis will bomb it!"

Advertising agencies have also entered the game.

A gigantic black poster covers the entire side of a five-story building: It shows the golden Johnnie Walker character with his top hat and waistcoast blithely striding after leaping over a gap on a destroyed bridge.

Internet users are sharing a picture of U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in the arms of Hizbullah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah in light summer clothes, standing under the shade of palm trees at a sandy beach.

It is a parody of the "Axe Effect" attraction campaign by the namesake deodorant brand.

Jokes are also abundant about the Arabs.

After Saudi Arabia decided to donate half a billion dollars to rebuild Lebanon, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak ordered the capture of six Israeli soldiers at the border.

Amid a mass evacuation of foreign nationals from Lebanon, Palestinian refugees who have been stranded in Lebanon for nearly 60 years are ecstatic: the Palestinian Authority has decided to evacuate its nationals as well.

But in a country that has repeatedly been invaded by Israel, the one joke everyone likes to tell remains:

An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"(

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What if the Lebanese Titanic Sank Today on the Syrian Shores of Tartous?

What if Lebanese Titanic sank today? What will be the reaction from different parties?

U.S.A: "A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by Syrians. We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson. Syria has gone far enough in its outrageous attacks on freedom and its continuous interference in its neighbors politics.”

U.K: "I have spoken to the president of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of titanic is significant prove that Syria is clearly behind this attack, Syria is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with."

Syria: Producing (Bahar Bahar) as a witness who fled from Lebanon into Syria and started to blame the Americans for firing the rocket from a Stealth bomber, and insisting that they have nothing to do with this.

FM: "These Syrians and their previous crimes against Lebanese is enough evidence to say that sinking of titanic is not an accident but it was intentional and as a warning to all those who are asking for an international investigation and for an International court.

Canada: "Titanic who????”

FPM: " At this time, we can not blame any one before we have an investigation, it might have been an accident, or maybe their competitor – (rival company owners of Titanica)- bombarded the Titanic ship."

Hizb Alla: "Why are you blaming Syria, let us do an investigation committee headed by Syria and includes Algeria, and Iran. We can potentially include China and Russia in it as members of the investigation team.

Amal: Why are we in a Hurry, let things take their time, we have time so do not start blaming Syria on everything that happens

Weam Wahab: This is the doing of Israel, this is another step in the American Zionistic plot to pressure Syria more into bowing to Zionisim. Syria is the last free democratic country in the region who is opposing America and the Americans want to occupy Syria and impose their idea of Democracy.

UN: "Syria must comply to the UNSCR resolutions" (sec.gen. Kofi Annan)

Survivors: ".uhh.Helllooo. Is anyone was an Syrian rockets we saw the Syrian frigate and the soldiers saluted us in Syrian before they fired the rocket. They thought that the Titanic was fishing in their national waters"

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

طوائف وقطايف

بلا مؤاخذة من أبناء الطائفة الشيعية الأكارم، إخوتي في "المواطنية" التي أرسى دعائمها سماحة مفتي الإعلام الوزير السابق ميشال سماحة وفرطت، بتّ أرى في سلوك الوزراء الشيعة الحاليين إستمرارية للخط السوري. فمن غادر لبنان فعلاً أبقى على ملائكته حاضرة ترفرف "حمامة بيضا" فوق رؤوس ربع وزراء حكومة فؤاد السنيورة، وثلث المجلس النيابي، وثلاثة أرباع تجمّع عين التينة المولود نكاية بالبريستول. عين التينة ضد عين البريستول العين بالعين. والمشكلة الكبرى التي يعانيها ممثلو الثنائية الشيعة ومن معها من أركان النظام السابق أن الحمامة البيضا عندما تروح تطوّل وما بتعود تعرف تجي.

الكلام الطائفي عن شيعة وسنة وموارنة وأرمن أرثوذ** يؤذي المشاعر لكن ما حيلتي ووزراء الجبّارين الشيعيين باتوا يشكلّون الثقل الإعتراضي على كل قرار أو كلمة يُشتمّ منها إجماعاً على مسألة كبرى على صلة باغتيال الرئيس الحريري أو تهدف إلى تثبيت سيادة لبنان على قراره، وتراهم على قلب واحد مع سورية، قبل ميليس وبعد ميليس، قبل الشتوية وبعدها... إلخ ولو على حساب السكوت على إهانة طاولت ملك التهذيب. كأني بهم يرمون إلى قطع الطريق قصداً على جلاء الحقيقة من خلال لبننتها أي تفطيسها في ظل الواقع الطائفي المشوّق.

في الخضّة الوزارية الأولى انسحب الوزراء الشيعة. الطويل قدّام القصير ورا. في الخضة الثانية رفعوا الدوز: التهديد بالإستقالة الجماعية. في الهزّة الأولى تحجج الوزراء الشيعة بأن الرد على خطاب الرئيس الأسد يحتاج إلى درس وفحص وجلسة خاصة تتناول العلاقات اللبنانية السورية المأزومة ولم يُستجبْ لهم. في الهزّة الثانية طرح سعاة التوافق مسألة تخصيص جلسة إستثنائية لمناقشة ودرس مسألة المحكمة الدولية،موضع الإعتراض، فكان ما كان... وقيل إن موعد الجلسة الإستثنائية بحد ذاته يتطلب درساً. وفي المرّتين الآنفتي الذكر صاقبت أن المعترضين شيعة غير مطعّمين ولو بأرمني أو بأرثوذ**ي من جماعتنا إنما متى آن وقت الحزّة والقرارات التاريخية فالدكتور ميشال موسى شيعي ونص. عنده الرئيس بري بالدنيا.

للوزراء الشيعة، المنتدبين من قبل ألله سبحانه وتعالى والحزب والحركة والشعب، نظرة معمّقة للأمور ولغة استراتيجية على صلة بالصراع القائم في الشرق الأوسط والهجمة الأميركية الشرسة والبقية بحياتنا معروفة...

في الجلسة الأخيرة لمجلس الوزراء،عزا البلوك الشيعي معارضته المطالبة بمحكمة الدولية إلى جملة أسباب منها "بعد بكيرعالمحكمة فالتحقيق بعدو بأولو". مطلع موال بديع إن أضفت إليه" وبعد ميليس بيتعيّن طلياني ما أجملو... "لن أنزِل الدف عن الرف الآن. لأتعمق بحيثيات الرفض الشيعي النابع من حرص على عدم "إنكشاف لبنان دولياً" ولأن "الموضوع يحتاج إلى درس وتمحيص وتوافق". لنفترض أن الحمامة البيضا غطّت فوق الرؤوس الممانِعة وأبلغت أصحابها بأن سورية متحمسة جداً للمحكمة الدولية. لو حصل هذا، لكان لدينا في مجلس الوزراء حديث آخر وصفوف متلاحمة مثل صينية البرما.

بلا مؤاخذة من كل أصحاب المعالي فشيعة حكومة الرئيس السنيورة آخدون وقتهم كثيراً في الدرس.فتحليل نص خطاب يحتاج معهم من شهرإلى شهر ونص ركّ. وزراء باقي الطوائف حللّوه ووضعوا نقاطه على الحروف بسرعة رغم ضعف الست نائلة في لغة الضاد والقاف. وعلى سيرة اللغات فـ "فرنسية" محمد فنيش ليست أفضل من "عربية" الست ولا أظنّه يصل إلى 5 على 20 على إملاء برنار بيفو حتى لو كزّ المسابقة عن الدكتور رزق. الجميع في حكومة السنيورة شطّار في قراءة الأحداث، ومعدّل علاماتهم مقبول. أكاد أقول برافو ولا أقول. بلا مؤاخذة يشعرني الوزراء الشيعة أن أولويتهم التشكيك بميليس وهم مع سيادة العميد في كابوس فيينا والقلوب معه. الوزراء السنّة مدركون طريقهم. الموارنة مسرورون بالسنة. الدروز واضحون وحاسمون والأصهرة الأرثوذ** نالوا إستقلالهم واستعادوا حرية التعبير.

عذراً على الكلام الطائفي. فالقطايف طائفي أيضاً. والبلد معجون بالطائفية. لنأكل قطايف دايت شير

Hisham posted this om FM forum, I loved it, i posted it

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Some Photos inside Syria

Some collection of photos about Syria... some were taken by me; others I took of the internet.
if you have more, please send to my email

I got this from the net, it is not necessary a syrian PC, it can be anywhere..
this one is for a language center in Syria, I called the number on the sign.. it is there;-)

This was taken by me at the Syrian-Jordanian Border thanking me for the Fizit. Please click to enlarge

It is a picture of what is written on the side of a tourisitic bus.. This was taken by me at night, sorry lighting wasnt that great,

One of my favorites, got it of the net

again another one I found on the net

This was taken by me inside the ministry of finance, taxes departement... such a tax does exist:-)

From the internet

Google - Syria (off the internet)

Got it in an email

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Bashar Al Asad in a School visit

Bachar Assad goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and Bachar asks him what his name is?
"And what is your question, Ali?"

"I have 3 questions
"First, why did Syria rule Lebanon for over 15 years?
Second, why you didn't know who killed Hariri if you were the ruler of Lebanon?
And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?

Just then the bell rings for recess. Bachar al Assad informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Bachar says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. Bachar points him out and asks him what his name is?
"And what is your question, Elias?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, Why did Syria rule Lebanon for over 15 years?
Second, Why you didn't know who killed Hariri if you were the ruler of Lebanon?
And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, where is "Ali"?!!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Lebanese Learning English

Click on Image to Enlarge