Lebanese Political Humor

Abul Abed and Other Jokes Make Post-War Healing Process Easy

2006-08-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

Abul Abed and Other Jokes Make Post-War Healing Process Easy
Lebanese may have lost homes, loved ones and livelihoods, but one thing they haven't lost in the aftermath of the war is their legendary sense of humor.
Jokes helped them survive Israel's devastating military onslaught and are now making the post-war healing process a lot easier.

Anecdotes are to be found everywhere -- in living rooms, text messages, television shows, e-mails and even blogs, where some Israeli users have been less than amused.

Amid sad stories about lost loved ones, destroyed homes and impoverished people who had to live in public schools, they joke about everything: the Israelis, the Americans, the Arabs, but mostly they tell self-deprecating gags.

Three Hizbullah fighters run out of Beirut's southern suburbs after Israeli raids, flashing the victory sign. Actually, no. They were really pointing out that there were only two buildings left standing.

Why did rents go up in Ain el-Rummaneh district overlooking the southern suburbs? Because it has sea view now!

Why are coquettish elderly Lebanese women very happy about the war? Because it took them back 30 years.

Why will Hizbullah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah win the Nobel Prize for Education? Because he is the only man who sent one million people to school in just two days.

But they also tell jokes of bravery against the Israelis.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was sitting in his office wondering how to invade Lebanon when his telephone rang.

Beirut's most famous imaginary character announces to him in a heavily accented voice: "This is Abul Abed and I am calling to tell you that we are officially declaring war on you."
"How big is your army?" replies Olmert.

"Right now," said Abul Abed, "there is myself, my cousin Mustafa, my next-door neighbor Abu Khaled, and the whole team from the tea house. That makes eight!"

Olmert paused. "I must tell you Abul Abed, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

Abul Abed paused, then said: "Mr. Olmert, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Abul Abed?", Olmert asked.
"Well sir, we have two Mercedes 180s, and a truck."

"I must tell you Abul Abed that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two million!"

"Mr. Olmert, we have to call off this war," said Abul Abed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Olmert. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Abul Abed, "we've come to realize that there is no way we can feed two million prisoners!"

Israel's systematic destruction of bridges in the offensive launched after Hizbullah captured two Israeli soldiers on July 12 has also been a source of inspiration.

Olmert sent a commando operation deep into Lebanon. Mission: Capture Lebanese diva Fairuz.

He insists on finding the only bridge he did not destroy: an imaginary bridge evoked for decades in a romantic Fairuz aria.

"On the bridge 'Lawziyeh,' under the shade of the leaves," goes the song.
Early one day, a man rushes desperately to the dentist. "Please take out my bridge, or the Israelis will bomb it!"

Advertising agencies have also entered the game.

A gigantic black poster covers the entire side of a five-story building: It shows the golden Johnnie Walker character with his top hat and waistcoast blithely striding after leaping over a gap on a destroyed bridge.

Internet users are sharing a picture of U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in the arms of Hizbullah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah in light summer clothes, standing under the shade of palm trees at a sandy beach.

It is a parody of the "Axe Effect" attraction campaign by the namesake deodorant brand.

Jokes are also abundant about the Arabs.

After Saudi Arabia decided to donate half a billion dollars to rebuild Lebanon, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak ordered the capture of six Israeli soldiers at the border.

Amid a mass evacuation of foreign nationals from Lebanon, Palestinian refugees who have been stranded in Lebanon for nearly 60 years are ecstatic: the Palestinian Authority has decided to evacuate its nationals as well.

But in a country that has repeatedly been invaded by Israel, the one joke everyone likes to tell remains:

An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?"

The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"(

What if the Lebanese Titanic Sank Today on the Syrian Shores of Tartous?

2005-12-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

What if Lebanese Titanic sank today? What will be the reaction from different parties?

U.S.A: "A ship coming to Freedom was attacked by Syrians. We will not sit quiet and we will teach them a lesson. Syria has gone far enough in its outrageous attacks on freedom and its continuous interference in its neighbors politics.”

U.K: "I have spoken to the president of United States and we have both agreed that the sinking of titanic is significant prove that Syria is clearly behind this attack, Syria is imposing a threat to the world and this has to be dealt with."

Syria: Producing (Bahar Bahar) as a witness who fled from Lebanon into Syria and started to blame the Americans for firing the rocket from a Stealth bomber, and insisting that they have nothing to do with this.

FM: "These Syrians and their previous crimes against Lebanese is enough evidence to say that sinking of titanic is not an accident but it was intentional and as a warning to all those who are asking for an international investigation and for an International court.

Canada: "Titanic who????”

FPM: " At this time, we can not blame any one before we have an investigation, it might have been an accident, or maybe their competitor – (rival company owners of Titanica)- bombarded the Titanic ship."

Hizb Alla: "Why are you blaming Syria, let us do an investigation committee headed by Syria and includes Algeria, and Iran. We can potentially include China and Russia in it as members of the investigation team.

Amal: Why are we in a Hurry, let things take their time, we have time so do not start blaming Syria on everything that happens

Weam Wahab: This is the doing of Israel, this is another step in the American Zionistic plot to pressure Syria more into bowing to Zionisim. Syria is the last free democratic country in the region who is opposing America and the Americans want to occupy Syria and impose their idea of Democracy.

UN: "Syria must comply to the UNSCR resolutions" (sec.gen. Kofi Annan)

Survivors: ".uhh.Helllooo. Is anyone listening...it was an Syrian rockets we saw the Syrian frigate and the soldiers saluted us in Syrian before they fired the rocket. They thought that the Titanic was fishing in their national waters"

No Comment

2005-12-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

No Comment

طوائف وقطايف

2005-12-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

بلا مؤاخذة من أبناء الطائفة الشيعية الأكارم، إخوتي في "المواطنية" التي أرسى دعائمها سماحة مفتي الإعلام الوزير السابق ميشال سماحة وفرطت، بتّ أرى في سلوك الوزراء الشيعة الحاليين إستمرارية للخط السوري. فمن غادر لبنان فعلاً أبقى على ملائكته حاضرة ترفرف "حمامة بيضا" فوق رؤوس ربع وزراء حكومة فؤاد السنيورة، وثلث المجلس النيابي، وثلاثة أرباع تجمّع عين التينة المولود نكاية بالبريستول. عين التينة ضد عين البريستول العين بالعين. والمشكلة الكبرى التي يعانيها ممثلو الثنائية الشيعة ومن معها من أركان النظام السابق أن الحمامة البيضا عندما تروح تطوّل وما بتعود تعرف تجي.

الكلام الطائفي عن شيعة وسنة وموارنة وأرمن أرثوذ** يؤذي المشاعر لكن ما حيلتي ووزراء الجبّارين الشيعيين باتوا يشكلّون الثقل الإعتراضي على كل قرار أو كلمة يُشتمّ منها إجماعاً على مسألة كبرى على صلة باغتيال الرئيس الحريري أو تهدف إلى تثبيت سيادة لبنان على قراره، وتراهم على قلب واحد مع سورية، قبل ميليس وبعد ميليس، قبل الشتوية وبعدها... إلخ ولو على حساب السكوت على إهانة طاولت ملك التهذيب. كأني بهم يرمون إلى قطع الطريق قصداً على جلاء الحقيقة من خلال لبننتها أي تفطيسها في ظل الواقع الطائفي المشوّق.

في الخضّة الوزارية الأولى انسحب الوزراء الشيعة. الطويل قدّام القصير ورا. في الخضة الثانية رفعوا الدوز: التهديد بالإستقالة الجماعية. في الهزّة الأولى تحجج الوزراء الشيعة بأن الرد على خطاب الرئيس الأسد يحتاج إلى درس وفحص وجلسة خاصة تتناول العلاقات اللبنانية السورية المأزومة ولم يُستجبْ لهم. في الهزّة الثانية طرح سعاة التوافق مسألة تخصيص جلسة إستثنائية لمناقشة ودرس مسألة المحكمة الدولية،موضع الإعتراض، فكان ما كان... وقيل إن موعد الجلسة الإستثنائية بحد ذاته يتطلب درساً. وفي المرّتين الآنفتي الذكر صاقبت أن المعترضين شيعة غير مطعّمين ولو بأرمني أو بأرثوذ**ي من جماعتنا إنما متى آن وقت الحزّة والقرارات التاريخية فالدكتور ميشال موسى شيعي ونص. عنده الرئيس بري بالدنيا.

للوزراء الشيعة، المنتدبين من قبل ألله سبحانه وتعالى والحزب والحركة والشعب، نظرة معمّقة للأمور ولغة استراتيجية على صلة بالصراع القائم في الشرق الأوسط والهجمة الأميركية الشرسة والبقية بحياتنا معروفة...

في الجلسة الأخيرة لمجلس الوزراء،عزا البلوك الشيعي معارضته المطالبة بمحكمة الدولية إلى جملة أسباب منها "بعد بكيرعالمحكمة فالتحقيق بعدو بأولو". مطلع موال بديع إن أضفت إليه" وبعد ميليس بيتعيّن طلياني ما أجملو... "لن أنزِل الدف عن الرف الآن. لأتعمق بحيثيات الرفض الشيعي النابع من حرص على عدم "إنكشاف لبنان دولياً" ولأن "الموضوع يحتاج إلى درس وتمحيص وتوافق". لنفترض أن الحمامة البيضا غطّت فوق الرؤوس الممانِعة وأبلغت أصحابها بأن سورية متحمسة جداً للمحكمة الدولية. لو حصل هذا، لكان لدينا في مجلس الوزراء حديث آخر وصفوف متلاحمة مثل صينية البرما.

بلا مؤاخذة من كل أصحاب المعالي فشيعة حكومة الرئيس السنيورة آخدون وقتهم كثيراً في الدرس.فتحليل نص خطاب يحتاج معهم من شهرإلى شهر ونص ركّ. وزراء باقي الطوائف حللّوه ووضعوا نقاطه على الحروف بسرعة رغم ضعف الست نائلة في لغة الضاد والقاف. وعلى سيرة اللغات فـ "فرنسية" محمد فنيش ليست أفضل من "عربية" الست ولا أظنّه يصل إلى 5 على 20 على إملاء برنار بيفو حتى لو كزّ المسابقة عن الدكتور رزق. الجميع في حكومة السنيورة شطّار في قراءة الأحداث، ومعدّل علاماتهم مقبول. أكاد أقول برافو ولا أقول. بلا مؤاخذة يشعرني الوزراء الشيعة أن أولويتهم التشكيك بميليس وهم مع سيادة العميد في كابوس فيينا والقلوب معه. الوزراء السنّة مدركون طريقهم. الموارنة مسرورون بالسنة. الدروز واضحون وحاسمون والأصهرة الأرثوذ** نالوا إستقلالهم واستعادوا حرية التعبير.

عذراً على الكلام الطائفي. فالقطايف طائفي أيضاً. والبلد معجون بالطائفية. لنأكل قطايف دايت شير

Hisham posted this om FM forum, I loved it, i posted it

Some Photos inside Syria

2005-11-30T03:18:00.000-08:00

Some collection of photos about Syria... some were taken by me; others I took of the internet.
if you have more, please send to my email

I got this from the net, it is not necessary a syrian PC, it can be anywhere..

this one is for a language center in Syria, I called the number on the sign.. it is there;-)

This was taken by me at the Syrian-Jordanian Border thanking me for the Fizit. Please click to enlarge

It is a picture of what is written on the side of a tourisitic bus.. This was taken by me at night, sorry lighting wasnt that great,

One of my favorites, got it of the net

again another one I found on the net

This was taken by me inside the ministry of finance, taxes departement... such a tax does exist:-)

From the internet

Google - Syria (off the internet)

Got it in an email

Bashar Al Asad in a School visit

2005-11-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

Bachar Assad goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and Bachar asks him what his name is?
"Ali"
"And what is your question, Ali?"

"I have 3 questions
"First, why did Syria rule Lebanon for over 15 years?
Second, why you didn't know who killed Hariri if you were the ruler of Lebanon?
And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?

Just then the bell rings for recess. Bachar al Assad informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Bachar says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. Bachar points him out and asks him what his name is?
"Elias"
"And what is your question, Elias?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, Why did Syria rule Lebanon for over 15 years?
Second, Why you didn't know who killed Hariri if you were the ruler of Lebanon?
And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, where is "Ali"?!!

Lebanese Learning English

2005-11-20T05:48:00.000-08:00

Click on Image to Enlarge

Ramzi's Blah Blah: تلفن عياش

2005-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

Ramzi has made a nice movie about the telphone call between Habashi and lahoud... check it out it is interestingRamzi's Blah Blah: تلفن عياش

Cost of a telephone call from hell..

2005-10-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

A British, American and a Lebanese ministers died and went all to hell.

The British said: I miss England, I wanna call England and see how everybody is doing there.... he called and talked for about 5 minutes... then he said: well, devil how much do I owe you for the phone call ??? The devil goes: five million dollars... five million dollars!!! he made him a check and went to sit back on his chair....

The American was soo jealous, he starts screaming, me too I wanna call the United States, I wanna see how everybody is doing too... he called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said: well, devil how much do I owe you for the phone call ???? The devil goes: ten million dollars...ten million dollars!!!!!! He made him a check and went to sit back on his
chair...

The Lebanese was extremely soooo jealous too... he starts screaming and screaming, I wanna call Libanon too, I wanna see how everybody is doing there too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputies, I wanna talk to everybody... he called Lebanon and he talked for about twenty hours, he was talking and talking and talking... then he said: well, devil how much do I owe you for the phone call???? The devil goes: one dollar... only one dollar?!!!!! The devil goes: yes, well, from hell to hell, it's local!!

How to make the People Happy

2005-10-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Nabih Berri, Michele Aoun, Walid Joumblat, Samir Geagea & Saad Hariri are flying on MEA.

Over Cyprus, Hariri turns to Joumblat & says, chuckling," You know, I could throw a 100,000LL bill right now and make someone very happy.

Joumblat shrugs and reply, "Well, I could throw ten 10000LL bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Feeling that he was not considered, and still being intelligent after 11 years in prison, Geagea says: "Hell, I could throw a hundred 1000LL bills and make a hundred people happy."

Always referring falsly to Numbers in politics, Michele Aoun Said " I could throw a Thousand 100LL coin and make a thousand five hundred people happy." !!!!!

Berri, always acting like a teacher in the parliment, he said: "I out smart you my pupils, I could throw two Thousand 50LL coin and make two thousand people happy."

The pilot overhearing this says to his co-pilot: "Hey, I could throw them all out the window, and make millions of people happy".

News headlines from the future

2005-09-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

The date is 2049, here are the headlines:

This year marked the 20^th birthday of Middle Eastern Union (MEU) This was made possible due to the fact that -excluding Isarel - there are no more armed militias or refugees or borders across the Middle East , and Lebanon became the capital of the MEU (Middle East Union)! People with different religions and backgrounds managed to put their differences aside and live happily ever after!

Iran has warned that it will impose some economical sanctions on the United States of America if the latter does not give up its nuclear ununhexium-weapons program. The Iranian foreign minister said that military action has not been ruled out yet.

Syria has increased pressure on France to release all its political detainees.

The USSR president, Joseph W. Stalin has paid a historical visit to California, where he was greeted by thousands. The president pushed other countries of the former USA to walk on the steps of California towards freedom, independence and democracy.

In response to Iran's request, the 14 democratic member nations of the Middle Eastern Union unanimously voted to declare war on the U.S. Monday, calling the North American country a "dangerous rogue state that must be contained." "The United States of America has repeatedly violated international law and committed human-rights abuses at home and abroad," MEU President Mohamed Rajib said at a Monday security-council meeting. "MEU weapons inspectors have confirmed that the U.S. continues to pursue their illegal ununhexium-weapons program. Our attempts to bring about change through diplomatic means have repeatedly failed. Now, we are forced to take military action."

Along with the declaration of war, the MEU sent a message to the American people: "To the oppressed, silenced U.S. citizens—help is on the way, Liberty is on the march. Be assured: At the end of a long tunnel shines the light of freedom."

A suicide car attack has killed one Iraqi soldier and injured three in the city of Detroit, Michigan. An Iraqi military spokesman, said that this attack will not stop the MEU and the Iraqi government from continuing its mission in freeing the American people.

Abdel rafe3 bin Sourmay from the MEU is the first man to walk on Saturn after his mission succeeded and his rocket Landed peacefully on Saturn.

President Assad of Syria said in a press conference that he is willing to give the Israelis their land back based on bringing security to Damascus and disarming the Shaas party. His talks came after 300 Israeli civilians has been freed by the Syrian government. However he said that the issue of Israeli refugees is out of the question.

Under the leadership of Smair JaJa Jr. Lebanese Forces Resistance launched a Katyousha on the settlement of Maareef causing no injuries. Huge appeal from the opposition party Hezbollah has called for disarming LF and a spokesman and wondered why these attack take place at this crucial time and why they are directed towards our neighbor Israel.

Hassan Nassrallah created a secular party, called Hezblebnan....... and Manar TV organized a " Miss Pikiny contest" in the Holiday inn- Tyre

Despite both countries being part of the MEU, A Lebanese truck driver, celebrated his 99th birthday at the Lebanese-Syrian borders, "I arrived here when I was 22 to deliver the Bananas cargo to Iraq, and I am still waiting my turn to pass" he said.

Fadia Arafat demands Israel to withdraw to the 2030 borders.

The Lebanese President Emile Lahoud declares that he will accept -with pleasure- if the Lebanese people representatives ask him to continue his mission of building Dawlit il anoun wil mou2assassit

Nabih Berri : If you elect me as president of the parliament for the 20th time, I promise to start an economical audit and to be transparent.

New Reality Show To Determine next Lebanese president

2005-09-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

Beirut–FTV executives Monday unveiled their latest reality-TV venture, Appointed By the Lebanese, a new series in which contestants vie for the top spot in Lebanon's post-Syrian government.

"Get ready, Lebanese, because you're about to choose the man–or woman–who will lead Lebanon into an exciting democratic future," said FTV reality-programming chief Madakhalo, introducing the show at a press conference. "Will it be General Michele Aoun, leader of the ex-exiled Free Patriotic Movement? Or General Michele Solaiman, commander of the allied forces? Or maybe Rita Dakhalah, the waitress with big dreams and an even bigger voice? Tune in Tuesdays at 9 to see."

Describing the new show as "Superstar meets the reconstruction of Lebanon," Madakhalo said Appointed By The Lebanese will feature contestants squaring off in a variety of challenges, including a democracy quiz, a talent competition, and nation-building activities that will demonstrate their ability to lead a bombed-out, war-ravaged Mideast country.

A panel of celebrity judges will help eliminate two contestants each week, leaving one lucky winner the undisputed leader of Lebanon at the end of the season. Viewers can participate by casting phone-in votes, although Madakhalo noted that voting is restricted to calls originating from within Lebanon.

General Lahoud (after Retiring) will host the show under the auspices of the Ministry of Defense. The three celebrity judges, Madakhalo said, will be choreographer and former recording artist Rakasa Baladi, internationally renowned hairstylist Sha3ro Taweel, and television star Micho.

Audience members eagerly await the start of a live taping of Appointed By The Lebanese.
"They really get into it," Madakhalo said. "Just wait until you see the fur fly between Moawad and Basil."

FTV entertainment president Dakhalo said the network was inspired to create the show after witnessing its news division's ratings success over the past few months.

"FTV did such huge numbers with its recent events coverage, we figured, 'Why not find a way to keep this good thing going?'" Dakhalo said. "I'm confident that our loyal FTV News viewers will find that reconstruction can be just as thrilling as destruction."

The first episode has already been taped in front of a live studio audience, though results will remain classified until airtime. The winner of Appointed By The Lebanese will be sworn in as president of Lebanon on June 24 in a gala two-hour season finale broadcast live from Baabda.

According to Dakhalo, FTV received more than 3,000 applicants for the show during an open casting call. While most of the hopefuls were Lebanese, some 600 aspiring rulers from more than 100 nations auditioned for the coveted 20 finalist spots. Contestants included a Meten interior decorator, a Southern inner-city schoolteacher, and a peshmerga fighter from the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan.

At a briefing Monday, Mr. Prime Minister gave his blessing to Appointed By the Lebanese.

"It is great that FTV will play a vital role in post-Syrian Lebanon," Sanyora said. "Heck, we didn't really know what we were going to do."

__________________

Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb

2005-08-25T04:13:00.000-07:00

I have found a funny article related to Iraq bombings, and modified it to fit Lebanon situation
PS: This is fiction .. as if you didnt know:-)

BEIRUT—Terrorist cells in Beirut are in mourning for suicide bomber G.H, 19, who was killed by a car bomb Monday, 200 meters from “shop till you drop” shopping mall in Beirut.

Sources said G.H was "on his way to plant a bomb in “shop till you drop” shopping mall" when he was struck down by the explosion that happened last night. Eleven other civilians were severely injured.

"What kind of justice allows the death of G.H who was on his way to kill innocent people?" terrorist leader M.Z. said. "On the one hand, I am happy that the car explosion was successful, but the loss of the G.H is a tragedy, as is the survival of all the innocent people he might have killed."

According to M.Z., G.H. could have killed as many as 40 innocent people, had his life not been cut short.

"It is tragic that G.H. died seven minutes sooner than he intended," said H.A, leader of local separatists. "To think that he was just meters from his intended target. Our thoughts and prayers are with his terrorist cell."

No terrorist groups have claimed responsibility for the car bomb explosion, although as many as 18 separate factions have vowed to carry on the fight in G.H.’s memory.

In the past week, over several civilians were injured in terrorist bombings, but G.H.’s death marks the first time a terrorist has been killed by another terrorist while on a different terrorist mission.

Terrorist leaders have called the incident a "wake-up call."

Terrorist leaders will meet soon to draft new rules to prevent bombing mix-ups like the one that killed G.H. One proposal would limit suicide bombings to odd hours, car bombings to even. Another designates "Car Bomb Only" traffic lanes to help terrorists get to their bombing locations more quickly and efficiently.

One of the terrorist leaders said: "We all have the same goal here—the killing of innocent civilians. Let's stop working at cross purposes."

MZ concluded. "When I close my eyes, all I can see are the faces of all the innocents G.H. will never get a chance to kill. It is a sad day”

Historical moments in Lebanese political humor

2005-08-22T06:08:00.000-07:00

It all started with a thread I opened on the Future Movement Forum titled To all FPM members who is Afif al Sandikly?...

Later this thread transformed to include funny things that happened in the Lebanese politics, so I have chosen to summarize these below:

The famous Afif Al Sandikly or (Sandikly-Gate):
During 7arb alta7rir period, a sheikh from western Beirut gave a speech in "Kasr A-Sha3b" in Baabda supporting General Aoun... The next day, it was uncovered that the so called sheikh was a military intelligence, and he was no sheikh.

Rustom Ghazale Brothers getting MD and Law degrees from the Lebanese University without attending Classes.

General Michele Aoun saying that he will NEVER EVER ally with Mur, and after two days he confirms this alliance.

Rachid Solh addressing the journalists "I'm going to see my mom and will be back". He snuck out to Syria...

Karim Pakradoni trying to explain the sex of angles...

Walid Jumblatt's weird choice of words and elasticity...

Najah wakim's "Sid Bouzak" while addressing Sanyora in the parliament...

Michel Aoun's "Baddeh Kasserlo Rasso la Hafez El-Assad"

Amin Gemayel beating Rasheed el solh in parliament

Murr saying badna nakilon rason...

Khitab al Kasam:-) the Biggest Joke ..

Baha' ed-Deen Itani's first words in parliament... hehehe

Elie El-Firzli's reliable attempts to prove that black can be white if you just add some fake poetic eloquence...

Elias Hrawi slapping a journalist. (was it Faisal Salman?)

President Bashir Gemayyel slapping Michel Murr.

Election box found miraculously belonging to an Armenian kalam iktera3, where all ballots inside were for Rasheed Solh, thus gaining the nickname – Garabet

Naser Kandil's Speeches (all of them) ... ...

Maha i forgot her name winning a parliamentary seat with 54 votes in Jbeil

Electricity going off in Kesserwan during counting of the ballots, while Fares Bweiz just happens to sneak in with some mysterious new votes

Emile Emile Emile Lahoud withdrawing from the 2005 elections....... because of the election law

Speaker Berri relation with the MPs as teacher and Students.. thus truly gaining the nick name "il-isteez"

Hrawi asking Oldbright if she was pregnant:-)

Hrawi kissing Claudia Sheifer on her mouth

Franjie nominating himself a patriarch “we inta el batrak ya Slayman:

Jameel el sayed portraying the innocent and suing himself

Jameel el Sayed not resigning initially but “wade3 7alo bil tasorof” for a specific period of time:-)

Nationality was given to some Syrians.. to vote for Murr ....

We had Afandi in North, Hoss in Beirut, and Bizri in Saida

During the war Lebanese Forces acting as collectors for Morabiton in East Beirut and Vice Verca where Morabiton acting as collectors for Lebanese Forces in West Beirut:-)

To prevent My car from being stolen I used to:
Tie the car with chains to the public lamp post
Remove the steering wheel
remove distributor cap
Remove battery
and still ... they stole the wheels:-)...

White flower (kronfol) and unlit Cigar of saeb salam

Muslim members of the “Majlis el difa3” while meeting with General Michele Aoun heard their own resignations on the radios:-)

Based on his Father's salary .. Emile Lahoud Jr now owns among others a Ferrari and a 3 Million USD condo in Down town Beirut ..

Gibran Bassil defending Franjie and Arslan relations with Syria by labeling them as “mabdaeeyeen”

Rana Kolailat.. freed and out of the country 2 days before Adoum's resignation..

Bank Le Madina:-)

200-year old Edmond Naim and Strida Geagea in the same parliamentary block. The guy will have high blood pressure at every meeting...

Abu Jassem with the Beqa3ee koofieh, leading a demonstration of 5 people promising to wipe out the Martyr Square crowd...

Adnan Arakji defying Saad el Hariri in Beirut 2 elections:-)

Adnan Arakji storming to read al-Fatha at martyr's Hariri's grave.. bil oweh

Omar's Karami's suing Future Movement for using his famous phrase "lal haqiqa" as a moto

Gemayel family emphasizing that Lebanese are Phoenicians.. while they are of Egyptian decent....

The famous made in Poland Puma Chopper:-)

Kamal Chatila becoming pro-Syrian at the wrong time....

Disappearance of the video tape showing who planted the bomb that was directed at Marwan Hmade

Jumblatt calling Lahoud "wassakh"...

Lahoud portraying the slaying of late PM hariri "razale"

In 1990's Mkhayel El Daher sleeping as a president.. waking up a deputy

Mikati standing next to previous Deputy Bahaa Itani

Micho Murr calling Nassib Lahoud (and I quote) "the biggest symbol of Syria" because he was an ambassador in 1990.

Condemned persons with death sentences against roam Lebanon freely (Tofaily and Abou el 3aynayn)

Nayla mo3awad in martyrs Square saying "Farato Farato"

General Aoun made a joke about the Asfour and Sabeh.

Gibran Bassil learned how to count from 89 to 2005.

General Aoun claiming that Shaikh Saad and Hariri Family met with Rustom Ghazale

Jumblat calling Farnjie "Walad Sgheer”

MP Salim Aoun acting as a vigilante and beating three Kataeb because they used foul language

and last but not least

.. Madam wants Syria out

Update: 19 September 2005
59. when wajih baarini took his shoe (sebbato) off & raised it the afandi's face (omar Karami) & said: wlei sidd bouzak wlei

Arabs in the US

2005-08-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE AN ARAB!!!

-Your mother calls you "Mommy" and your father calls you "Dad"
-You have a Sitto/Teta always cooking for you
-You know what happens when you eat too much Moujadra, Hummous, Tabuli, and Kibbeh
-You've heard Amr Diab's "Ya nour el ein" 764363 times in ur life
-You've considered having "EDBTZ" as a Screen Name or License Plate number
-You blame the Yahood for eveything! And the Abeed too
-You hear Yahood and go " Yher2 deenak"
-Your refer to other arab as "Cuz"
-You refer to older arab as "Ammo" or "Amtooh"
-Three or more relatives live in your neighborhood
-You get pissed when an Arab is displayed as a Terrorist in a Movie
-You also get pissed when the Yahood are the good guys
-You go to Arabic Resturants, tell the owners your Arab, and think you're
going to get free food
-You fight over who's going to pay the bill
-Your family is over your house all the time
-There is no such thing as quiet time
-You know there is another meaning for kiss.
-You would never call it Pita Bread, you call it arabic bread
-You use Arabic bread as a utensil
-You NEVER run out of bizzer
-Your middle name is your father's first name.
-All the grocery stores and gas stations in your city are owned by relatives
-At least 1 conversation a day is about being ARAB
-Going to religious gatherings/prayers is a fashion show and a free brunch
-You have piles of coupons all over your table
-You have 500,000 cousins
-Your father swears at you with words that effect himself
-You know what the debki, a hafli, and a derrbakki is/are
-You have fruit trees in your backyard and when they are in season you live on them
-You have leaves for dinner
-You cant help but laugh ! when you hear the word TEASE
-You can't stand arabs in your own country but when you live abroad you only make arab friends
-You have someone tell you your fortune through your coffee cup

Below are new reasons added on August 22nd
-You feel proud when anyone famous has Lebanese/Arab blood in them (ex.:Shakira)
-Wearing a leather jacket during the summer is cool
-You are always right
-You've seen a belly dancer at least once in your life
- You get happy when your American friends use Arabic (swears especially) in normal speach

BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

2005-08-14T06:02:00.000-07:00

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.